Garbarrassing News
Welcome to the NEWS section of our website. Basically, there are people that work for America's top news reporting companies that get stuck with stories that are, well, extremely garbarrassing. We give them the love they deserve.
Woman Steals Her Daughter's Identity
To summarize this article, a woman name Wendy Brown stole her daughters identity so she could attend a high school and join the cheerleading squad. Turns out she
wanted to get her high school degree because she didn't have a childhood. So far, not bad. However, she attended cheerleading practices before school started, received a cheerleader's locker and went to a pool party at the cheerleading coach's house.
The school only noticed a problem after Wendy's cheerleading check bounced and she stopped going to school.
So what is the problem here? Well there are lots of problems because Wendy is 33 years old! No one in the entire school even suspected anything. When asked about Wendy, all they knew was that she was shy and sucked at math.
Now I am not one to judge, but how oblivious can an entire school district possibly be. This story goes beyond ignorance. She actually made the cheerleading squad! Judging by her picture, it is quite clear that this schools cheerleading squad is not shallow. Wendy may have cellulite all over her thighs, but she apparently she sure can cheer.
There is also another weird fact in this story. The check Wendy gave to her cheerleading coach for $134 bounced. My thoughts...? What the fuck is going on here? You mean to tell me that you can pull off stealing your daughters identity and make the cheerleading team, but don't have $134 to your name? This whole situation is garbarrassing, and the sad
part is, Wendy may face up to six years of jail time, because she stole the identity of the girl she created. It's pretty sad.
Until next time.
Captain G
Woman Auctions Her Virginity
In today's news, a beautiful girl announced that she would like to auction her virginity. From a business perspective, this is actually a really smart move on her part. Not only is she increasing her worth by marketing
herself as unused goods, but she is also a true entrepreneur! You do realize, this means that she planned her whole life around this moment, sacrificed having lots of sex, just to become a whore with a huge value added! She says she plans to net one million dollars from this auction.
Now, upon hearing about this auction I called up a few friends of mine. I said "Hey guys, let's get some money together, and invest in taking this girl's virginity." In all seriousness, this auction is extremely garbarrassing on multiple levels for all who want to participate in this auction.
First of all, who wants to pay that much money for a girl with NO EXPERIENCE?!?!? For that money, a man could probably hire a much prettier and more experienced woman (or 2 or 3) to have sex with him every day for a year.
Besides for her lack of experience in the sex department, this girl better be the queen of sucking dick.
Why do I say she's gonna need to suck dick when she's aucitoning sex? Well, SHE IS A VIRGIN! The fact is, the person who wins this auction has probably never taken anyone's virginity before. If he did, he would realize that maybe, he could pay less money to not have shitty sex.
After all, everyone who has half a brain knows that a girl's first time is usually her worst. The sex won't last long, but the guy will be regretting it for years to come.
OH, it get's better. The girl also said this: "Through this process I'm not just looking for the highest bidder," adding, "I'm looking for someone who is a genuine, overall nice person."
I think by "genuinely nice person," she meant to say "someone with billions of dollars." How dare she have the audacity to say she's looking for a nice guy! At one million dollars a cherry popping, she's not fooling anybody!
The bottom line is, this girl is offering bad sex for one million dollars. The sad thing is, someone will take the bait. Yet another reason why this world is so completely and utterly garbarrassing.
The Thief Gets Robbed
In this news report, a thief steals a car and is then forced at gun point to get out of the car by yet another car thief! The first thief then reports
the story to the news and walks home a free man, while the second thief is caught and arrested. The only problem here is that nobody seems to care the car was stolen in the first place. Once again, thanks to our retarded justice system, they let another known criminal off the hook.
The funny thing is, if the original thief hadn't stolen the car in the first place, the second thief would probably not be in jail...YET. Therefore, if you really think about it, the first thief is actually, a hero!
Maybe he deserved to get off. After all, 1 for 1 is a fair trade.
Click below to read the full story:
Midgets Fight Lion
There are some places in this world where unspeakable horrors occur on a daily basis. According to BBC news, a few years ago,
the President of a Midget fighting league in Cambodia decided to test his fighters against a lion. The government
decided it would be ok, as long as they got 50% of the ticket sales. There were 43 midgets against one lion and they lost
miserably. Now, the fact that this actually happened is quite the garbarrassment. This is not even including the fact that the midgets actually
lost and people paid money to watch midgets get eaten alive. It's a sick world out there.
Click below to read the full story:
The Big Fat Murderer
This featured article tells the story of a very clever woman named Mayra Lizbeth Rosales who was indicted on the count of first-degree murder of child named Eliseo Gonzalez Jr. Investigators believe the toddler was struck at least twice, crushing his head.
Now, you may be wondering, "What could possibly be garbarrassing about this murder?" Well, to answer your question, the woman accused of murder weighs 1000 pounds.
First of all, how can a woman who weighs that much even have the mobility
to strike someone? Well, the answer is: SHE DOESN'T. This is what we think really happened. They were laying in bed, watching television together. She accidentally rolled over, and saw she was on his head
(1st strike to head). Unable to roll back over, she tried pushing herself up and off of the child. However, she was so heavy that she didn't have the strength to get up and fell back down, crushing his head completely (2nd strike to head).
The woman also may have just mistaken hist brains for jelly, and crushed his head with her bare hands to get a taste. Regardless of how it happened, we know one thing is for certain: The kid was knocked out after the first blow, and never saw it coming in the first place. Otherwise, he would have got away.
The worst part about this story, besides his death, is once again the government. She is so fat, that she can't even fit through the door of her house! Because of this, she has not been taken into custody because prosecutors can't figure out how to detain
this beast.
Basically, the moral of the story is beware of 1000 pound woman when in their lairs. They know that know matter what, they are free from the law because if they can't fit through the door, they can't go to jail! Oh yea, it's illegal to
just bash a hole in the house and get her out. In other words, the murderer is safe because shes fat and our justice system has proven again that it's so completely garbarrassing.
Click below to read the full story:
U.S. Court Does a Terrible Job
Not too long ago, a man named Duncan pleaded guilty to charges concerning the kidnapping of two kids. One was a boy and the other was a girl. He beat their mother to death, raped both of the children, and shot the boy. He blames society and the justice system for "feeding the evil in his heart."
Now, it may be difficult to see (if you're retarded), but this is garbarrassing on multiple levels. First of all, this man has been previously convicted of rape, car theft, and molestation. The fact that this man is not already in jail or in a physco-ward is garbarrassing by itself. Because of our god-awful justice system, a little girl was raped and lost her entire family.
It wouldn't be too surprising if she too became insane. What's worse is that this man is blaming society for causing all of his mental problems. Now society may have pissed him off, but the fact that he's physically healthy, is enough to say that maybe, he over-reacted. Even if someone chopped of his dick and made him fuck himself, this man would have no excuse for
murdering and raping children. It would be a little more understandable, but still unjustifiable. In any case, this man and our justice system are both completely garbarrassing. Click below to read the full story:
The Boy Who Cried Big Foot
Sometimes, people try and gain fame by making discoveries of animals or plants that don't really exist. Some people are actually good at proving that the nonexistent exists and people believe them. Others, such as the man in this article, try their hardest, but fail miserably and get laughed at by everyone. After reading this article you will undoubtedly agree that this man who discovered big foot is sooooo garbarbarrassing.
Debate Gone Wild
How out of hand could a debate possibly get? Click below and read this Fox News article to find out how some people take unimportant debates WAYYYYY too seriously.
Burger King Employees Are SMART
As some people have realized, there is a time and a place for everything. Unfortunately, some people are retarded. This story is the perfect example why America is on a HUGE downhill slope. Click below to read this incredible article about these garbarrassing employees.
Horse Fetish
When it comes to this woman's love for horses, she will do whatever it takes in order to be able to feel them up and down in ways that will make them go "neiiiigggghhhh." Click below to read this wonderful article:
McCain
That's right. McCain is garbarrassing. The only thing this man seems to do is denounce Obama's intelligence and skills to run America. Meanwhile, about two weeks ago he gave a speech at a motorcycle rally. He stepped up to the podium and everyone cheered and revved their engines. As the people revved their engines ever so loudly, McCain begins his speech like so: "To me, this is the sound of freedom!" McCain, if you can't even figure out we are in an energy crisis, how can you possibly run a country. He borderlines Unsatisfactagarbarrassing Minus just like the Bush administration. Do enjoy the article:
Fat Cats Need Loving Too
The only thing garbarrassing about this story is that no one wanted to adopt any other cat in the animal shelter. It seems like the fatty is hogging all the attention. Click below and be amazed when you find out the weight of this incredibly large cat.
Intelligent Cheerleaders
Why are cheerleaders so highly respected for their intelligence and athletic abillity? Click below to read this incredible story about the smartest cheerleaders EVER:
Unexpected Surprise
Imagine you are riding a greyhound bus and everyone there watches you as the following occurs:
Killer Gets Custody
If you had three children, where would be the one of the worst places you could possibly put them? Read the article to find out:
Real Estate Blues
This article demonstrates the skills of the SMARTEST landlord you've ever seen. Using his special get pissed off and be completely unprofessional methods, he is going be at the top of the real estate industry in no time. Click below to read more about this F minus landlord:
Drunk Women Flying
What happens when some British women get too drunk on an airplane? Click below to find out:
Garbarrassing Parents Give Child an F Minus Name
Some parents unfortunately just don't love their children. Either this is the case with the parents in this article, or they just aren't taking having a child seriously. They may also just have been on acid when they named their child. In any case, click below to read this ridiculous story:
Drunkest Driver?
Fox actually had some decent news to report for once. So how drunk was the driver discussed in the article? Well...Read the story to find out!
Fox News is STILL Garbarrassing
Guess what? Fox has reached another low in their god awful reporting. Apparently, they think they are the paparazzi. The only difference is that they are MUCH WORSE. Click below to see why fox needs to fire a few people.
Fox News is Garbarrassing
We love our retarded friends at Fox News because they help us feel better about ourselves when we can't find good material to put on our site. This is because they too have some pretty awful material, except they are a multi-billion dollar organization. Yes, they have managed to do it again. This time, they posted a story about something NOBODY cares about. Surprised? We weren't. Click below to read the biggest waste of space on Fox's website we have found thus far. Remember, someone got paid to write this up...It's just so completely Garbarrassing.
Using Teenage Pregnancy to Get Pets Neutered
First of all, this is such terrible news. Fox must of had absolutely nothing worth reporting, because they actually posted this story on their website. Second of all, whoever thought of this add campaign should immediately get fired. The Price is Right hosted by the greatest man alive (Bob Barker) has done a much better job than these atrocious excuses for human beings. We appreciate the message they are trying to get across, but their method is sub-par at best. Garbarrassing.com gives them a huge F-. They are garbarrassing. Do read the full story below:
Attempted Robbery With a Fake Grenade
My god, the man in this story is soooooooo garbarrassing. First of all, who threatens someone with a grenade when they are two feet away!!! Let alone
the fact that this man was using a fake grenade. Not only that but he then tried running away like a bitch and failed miserably.
For the full story (although this summary comes close to telling you the whole thing) click below:
Guy Tries Robbing a Pizza Place
So you are probably wondering what happened? Well we had a little bit of heroism mixed with a ton of garbarrassment. Of all places, some guy chooses to rob a small pizza place, and proceeds to fail miserably.
It doesn't get much more garbarrassing than that. For the full story, click below:
Having Sex with the Dead has Finally Been Outlawed!!!
You read correctly. We have finally scored a victory for mankind in the garbarrassing state of Wisconsin. The supreme court decided in a 5-2
vote that it is NOT OK to have sex with dead people. Now we at garbarrassing.com are a little worried. Two judges actually voted in favor of having sex with
the dead. My friends...This is completely unsatisfactory. Click the link below to read another great story, brought to you by fox news.
Pregnancy Boom at Gloucester High
What happens when a group of high school girls all under the age of 16 make a pact to get pregnant? The answer is one lucky homeless guy!!!
Click below to see why students at Gloucester High School have solidified their spot on the list of garbarrassments.
Grandma, 70, Gives Birth to Twins
My god! You can't help but feel bad for their children. Fortunately for this 70 year old woman, she finally found a man to impregnate her. However, after studying the picture of the man who did it, we believe it was her brother.
Check out this newfound garbarrassing family. Two parents over the age of 70 with one year old twins. Basically, they are nearing the end of their lives and the odds of having two more orphans in this world are unfortunately
much greater than they should be. Smart thinking grandma...and congrats.
Parents Fight Over Which Gang Toddler Should Join
Decisions decisions. Fighting with the love of your life over which gang your child should join. Hmmm.... I guess it's safe to say, if you are ever faced with this problem, KILL YOURSELF.
A Serious Video Against Sexual Harassment
The garbarrassing part about this video, is that this lovely actress named Hayden Panettire is being dead serious. Looks like this bitch needs to get over herself, and learn to take a compliment. See for yourself. You will undoubtedly agree.
World's most expensive coffee at 50 Euro a cup comes to British stores...and it's made from cats' droppings
That's right, you read it correctly, people are paying roughly $100 to drink shit. Let me clarify, PEOPLE ARE PAYING ROUGHLY $100 TO DRINK SHIT. What has the world come to? I thought people were smarter than that. The world has let me down yet again. This is beyond garbarrassing.
Roseanne Barr had work done - 'down there'
Nothing like a lil vaginal rejuvination for our hot sexy friend Roseanne. Garbarrassing? We certainly think so.
Research: Men can tell if women want a one night stand by their eyes.
Fox, you are much too garbarrassing. Even reporters at fox barely take their retarded news reports seriously. Watch this report and see for yourself.
Defying the Odds: 29-Inch Woman Gives Birth
This would actually be pretty funny if the guy wasn't killed. Unfortunately, F minus. What a garbarrassing way to go. We decided to put this article on the site out of respect for this man. Got taken down like a true champ. Enjoy.
Worker Trimming Trees Falls Into Wood Chipper, Dies
This would actually be pretty funny if the guy wasn't killed. Unfortunately, F minus. What a garbarrassing way to go. We decided to put this article on the site out of respect for this man. Got taken down like a true champ. Enjoy.
Teen Girls Killed in Wreck After Attempting to Rob Cab Driver by Slashing His Face
These girls should really just kill themselves. O wait, they basically just did. What did they think would happen when they slashed the face of a man who is driving them around at high speeds? This is completely F minus.
Woman Who Weighed 27 Pounds Finally Gaining Weight
Combine an anorexic girl with some crack and a country wide famine, and you still won't be able to match what used to be this abomination of a human being. We send our best wishes to this woman and beg her to please, please, please, gain more weight.
Dancing Bears Filmed in Wild
Is this news? Nope. It's just retarded. Guess what Fox. NO ONE CARES. Way to reach a new low in the realm of important news reports. Congrats!
Nude Photo of Carla Bruni Sells in New York for $91,000
I don't care, even if she is the first lady of France. No 13 by 10 inch photo should ever sell for $91,000.
Police Allege New Mexico Man Traded Sister For Heroin
The title alone is enough to make you die of laughter. The article itself isn't too bad either. Enjoy it.br>
Baby Girl Born With Two Faces Worshipped as Reincarnated God
We won't bore you with our obscenely creative minds. Promise to see for yourself, and we'll leave you with just one thought: dual blow-jobs. OH YEAAAH!
Man Asked Friend To Shoot Him In The Arm So He Could Skip Work
The only thing garbarrassing about this idea is that we didn't think of it first.